Old man legs

I make a bee-line to the local public libraries restroom. I have a weak hangover from last night and have already drank three glasses of water since I woke at exactly noon today. When I open the restroom door, I am immediately punched in the nose by someone's Bombing over Gagdad. Guess I won't be peeing in here after all.
A voice claims ownership to the smell coming from the back of the almost tiny restroom. "Hey, sir?"
I pause and try to blend in with the chickenskin wallpaper. "Hello?" I say. I could be just as easily be saying Why? It comes out sounding exactly the same.
"Hey Sir," I picture door to door salesmen, handshakes hardy and warm, perfect hair laid back with Pomenade, clothes faded but crisp. "I sure hope you don't hafta go in here. This is the second bowel movement I've had today. I'm tellin ya! You know, back in Korea, I used to work in this pharmacseudical plant. They had me drinking sodium p(enathol) every day for testing, bowels have been off ever since." I almost choke on muted laughter.
What's wrong with two bowel movements in one day? was my first thought. Then I get the feeling I am being punk'd so I start searching for the hidden cameras. "Oh man that's rough, I'm sorry to hear it," I tell him from behind the wall, I am still hiding behind, with a huge smile.
"Actually it's not rough at all."
I can't help but laugh out loud and wait for the next line. He is silent. Maybe he's busy with his movement. I splash cold water on my face and dry my hands off. "Good luck man," I tell him while turning to walk out of the restroom.
"Well, my name is Stanley and it was a pleasure meeting you," He says loudly with as much confidence and common courtesy as an old farmer selling his talentless daughter to a rich college boy from the city.
"Nice to... have we met yet? ...meet you too. I gotta go."
"Have a great day," Stanley says to me. I almost convinced he is actually Johnny Knoxville sitting on the toilet grasping for more audience laughter with his schoolboy charms. I dip down a few feet by the front door to see if I can get a peek. Old man legs and shoes maybe. I can't see anything.
"You too," I say and walk out of the restroom. When the door shuts my laughter explodes and the young librarian with the intent eyes thinks I am throwing my giant smile at her. She wouldn't understand if I tried to explain it, so I don't. I give her a look that says, If you only knew, and she give me a look back that says, You're damn right about that Sir.

April 14th, 2007