I've got nowhere to go I've got nothing to prove instead of dancing alone I should be dancing with you. Well, music can always direct my path on some subconscious level. Inspiration can't be a negative thing can it?
I have been drinking too much lately. I will call it the mourning stages. Very typical of me. I can now read myself like a book and it is a depressing understanding. I always considered myself spontaneous but I'm not. I am a perfect machine. Perfectly fucked and wired improperly. Stab him with a knife and he will most likely yell "Fuck or Shit" with some sort of half sentence following. It is almost inevitable.
"We're the middle children of history, man. No purpose or place. We have no Great War. No Great Depression. Our Great War's a spiritual war... our Great Depression is our lives. We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires, and movie gods, and rock stars. But we won't. And we're slowly learning that fact. And we're very, very pissed off."
Why does that quote bother me so much? Because it is fucking true. It reminds me of why I hate commercials as much as I do. When I grow up I can be anything I want to be. Fuck that. It's a caste system behind a glittery-as-a-drag-queen sequined flag of freedom. Freedom doesn't equal ability. Inspiration doesn't equal aspiration. Fuck Money. Fuck broken promises. Fuck this desire to be loved. Why should anyone love you when you can barely stand yourself most of the time? Fuck the game. Fuck it utterly and completely. It's all fucking clown shoes.
Am I the only complete idiot in this world who would prefer a honest exchange with the opposite sex (or same sex if that's your thing)? To me, I think saying exactly what you want to someone is the easiest way to actually get what you want. Where does the desire to manipulate someone come from? I think it only keeps you from getting what you want; prolonging desired goals even if you do eventually obtain them will still cast a hazy cloud of mistrust in the end. The fog of war has lifted! Marvel at all the pretty skeletons in their bleached-bone glory!
It makes no logical fucking sense to me.
I see beautiful things die every day. I see birds smashed against windows of passing cards paralyzed until starvation takes hold. I see children on the news (aka Voice of Doom) slaughtered in some remote country I will never think of unless I am watching the news. I see these things every day. No big deal. I can handle it. I never expected this world to be half decent anyways. My grandmother watched the news religiously when I was a child. I remember planes being hijacked and bodies being tossed out of the open doors. I remember seeing bloody bombings and nameless serial killers faces splashed across the tube. I remember thinking I didn't belong in a world like this. I always thought that the world I was supposed to have been born into was much like mine minus the racism and greed, the murders and manipulation. I truly thought that I might go back there some day as a child. I still feel that way sometimes. I can at least capture the emotion of it. I lost my true point a long time ago.
I see beautiful things die every day. I see birds smashed against windows of passing cards paralyzed until starvation takes hold. I see children on the news (aka Voice of Doom) slaughtered in some remote country I will never think of unless I am watching the news. I see these things every day. No big deal. I can handle it. I never expected this world to be half decent anyways. My grandmother watched the news religiously when I was a child. I remember planes being hijacked and bodies being tossed out of the open doors. I remember seeing bloody bombings and nameless serial killers faces splashed across the tube. I remember thinking I didn't belong in a world like this. I always thought that the world I was supposed to have been born into was much like mine minus the racism and greed, the murders and manipulation. I truly thought that I might go back there some day as a child. I still feel that way sometimes. I can at least capture the emotion of it. I lost my true point a long time ago.
Oh yeah... I can handle the visible losses.
I don't think I have cried at a funeral. It doesn't seem like a tough act in my eyes. I just see it differently I suppose. I mourn most over the things I lose that I can't see.
Innocence. Romance. Hope. Desire. Connections with other Human Beings.
These are more valuable to me than a thousand birds, children or innocent victim all tied to the same sparked stick of dynamite. My invisible world is dying. The one that kept me going the longest is dying the fastest. I can feel it's effect on my very soul, if I even have one. I don't know how to fix it. I don't even know how I am connected to it. It is a lifelong mourning.
I think I am done for now. I guess something inside me wanted to write. I feel better in a way. Sort of numb at the ends and nothing in-between. I need an awakening. I need sanctuary. I need a counterpoint in this rotten heap of a planet.
Oct 9th, 2006
I think I am done for now. I guess something inside me wanted to write. I feel better in a way. Sort of numb at the ends and nothing in-between. I need an awakening. I need sanctuary. I need a counterpoint in this rotten heap of a planet.
Oct 9th, 2006
No comments:
Post a Comment