excellent lesson in human behavior

Hello. It's me. It is Sunday, no, actually Monday morning now, and I can't sleep. I am afraid I have gone off the deep end this time. This time... Why does it always happen this way? It is a pattern; something that follows a series of events that always lead to the same place. Predictable. I am looping again again again again. Not sleeping. Living with complete guilt and self hatred for doing the things I didn't think I could live without doing. It's all so necessary for me to experience time and time again. Without the good there is no bad and vice versa. What a precarious balance I live in or die to live outside of. Contradictory you whisper? Yes of course. I've announced my faults. Faults to you, that is. I personally see it as natural human complexity. I'm no ant. You've heard it all before. Redundant much? Yes I am that too. I sometimes find myself saying the same thing three times in a row before I realize I am doing it. People don't seem to notice. They do actually notice but don't act like they do. Thanks for protecting me with dishonesty as I know you meant well. I need to be heard. No. I need to be understood. I need to be understood in the way I comprehend it. If the tone is wrong or I get the wrong reaction then it didnt happen like I wanted so, rinse repeat and refuckingcycle. Insight to a delusional mind. Thank you television of the eighties and nineties. You watched over me well as you could.

Remember when you would see (on a tv show) a person prepare themselves for company? Say the person is alone in their apartment washing dishes and talking themselves through a conversation they need to have later in the day. The door bell rings unexpectedly. The person bolts to the living room and turns on the radio, picking up a paintbrush and setting the scene for the guest. "Come in" Guest walks in never the wiser. "Oh Hi, I was just painting a little. How are you?" And so on and so on. Why the fuck do people do that? I used to do it all the time when I was younger. I can't say I do that now exactly, but it is all about intention and connection. It's all about facades and falsehoods. I did it so people would see the real me; or the intentional me. What a mind fuck.

I find it very important to be understood. I need a person to see the complete scene I have set up for them. It is crucial in my happiness regarding relationships... sometimes even random stranger conversation. When I see a person not 'getting me' enough times I back away. I don't enjoy explaining my words (however excited or empassioned I may act otherwise). I need to be understood for who I am and what my intentions are. Few get it. Few get me. As a disclaimer I will tell you I am okay with that. I do ask for a lot in my good friends. I ask for even more in my lovers. Everyone finds these needs of mine tiring. Everyone needs a break from me. Some times it's temporary and other times it is permanant. Cest La Vie and all that cliche nonsense.

I am trying something new this time. I am going to try and keep my friends without bribery or self destructive habits or negative compromise. I am going to try this new self-sustaining approach and see how many friends I really have when the chips settle. It will be an excellent lesson in human behavior and sociology, or futility. Either way, it won't cost me a liver or lung or paycheck or day in bed. I miss you. I miss being understood. I am going to try and sleep again.