Just Breathe

 As a child I was alone - a lot. Even while sitting in a room of people I was still all by myself. Growing up being screamed at and beaten and told you are all these impossibly horrible things really takes it’s toll on a person. Especially when you were the only person being treated this way. It caused distrust and fear. It left no place to hide from that unwavering spotlight of relentless hate and furious anger. 

As an adult, finally, I see that I’m still that child; that little human that had no power to change the world they struggled to survive in. There was no one to help us escape it. No superhero to save the day, week, or year. This was life and the only way to survive it was to hide and stay small and quiet until the giants fell asleep. 

So here I am, at my wits end, again, and I push everyone out. I close off and distrust the most genuinely kind gestures. I am mentally running through dimly lit steel corridors with no doors and stifled screams sliding down the walls. This mode sneaks in so naturally like a venomous snake in a warm sleeping bag at night. I am alone again. 

I am in the safest hell I can create. 

The lights are out. 

We hold our breath. 

We close our eyes. 

We fill our lungs and we pray for light. 

We fill our lungs and we pray for light.